i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
