Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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