the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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