I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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