Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
