they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
