please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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