I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
