i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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