How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
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I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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