so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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