The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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