I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
