OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
