who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
