the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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