I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
