I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
