My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just forgot I was standing up.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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