I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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