I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
