I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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