the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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