Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
