everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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