I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
