My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
