I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
