Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
