And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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