I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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