Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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