I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
