Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
