I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i have herpe
just one?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
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It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
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you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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