she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
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Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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