you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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