Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
