Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
