I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
