I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
