He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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