so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
