i was born a porn star she said
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
