i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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