I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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