Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.