You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....