i need an iv and a liver transplant
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You pole danced in your parka.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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