it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
