tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
