watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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