I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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