im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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