Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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